Having just moved 2,500 miles from my home of twelve years with Mr. P, three cats and what was left of my worldly possessions I decided what the hell what’s 11,000 more miles any way and accompanied Mr. P to the Netherlands for some conference/art show at the University in Utrecht.

During the combined total of 22 hours spent on the flight I accomplished:

1. Reading “The Corrections” by Jonathan Franzen cover to cover. Perfect for such a flight because no matter how trapped you might feel on a plane at least you’re not at Christmas dinner.


2. Watching, for the most part, “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Which I would have never guessed I would actually see in my lifetime since when the preview was shown in the theater the audience I was with audibly and uncontrollably giggled when Johnny Depp appeared on screen as the pirate captain. I feel asleep towards the end but I’m pretty sure it all worked out with the ship and the girl and everything.


3. Viewing a 30-minute special on Easter Island. At this point I should mention I flew Dutch Royal Airlines so this was Dutch produced documentary. Easter Island must‘ve been about the only place the Dutch merchant ships landed where the people were already decimated and all resources exhausted which saved them the trouble of enslaving the population and exploiting all the timber and spices.


4. Getting looped on complimentary booze, sobering up, getting looped again.


5. Sleeping

KLM airlines was a very gracious way to go, all the flight attendants wore the old school vintage outfits, which added a air of Grace Kelly to an otherwise long and cramped flight.

Having just moved, the new job and such Mr. P and I were pretty much exhausted in general even before the trip. I can’t say I was up for much wild excitement in the Netherlands. Which it turns out was the general consensus because, except for a few blocks in Amsterdam, no one else in the Netherlands is up for wild fun either. The Dutch countryside looked much like Ohio, the second homeland of my people -- the farming Germans. And since the Netherlands is geographically close to Germany I can only guess that my forefathers took one look at the midwestern United States and said to themselves “This is like our homeland only larger and colder, hurry up, unload the cattle”. Anyway the German’s have the term gemutlick, which expresses a sense of contentment and well being, the Dutch have gezelligheid which I’m guessing is pretty much the same thing only achieved with less beer drinking and more orderly house cleaning.

It's time to come clean here and let the people know I only speak one language, my native tongue, English. Well and French kind-of-sort-of, after four years of high school French I can make out menus and fashion magazines. So if you need to order pie a la mode or discuss the avant-garde nature of the spring hemlines then I’m your go-to person. I also know enough Japanese to count to ten and list the eighty-five ways in which I can injure you and the location where I will inflict those said injuries. And maybe enough German to be dangerous. But as it turns out about 99% of citizens of the Netherlands speak grammatically perfect English and would prefer to speak it as it means they don’t have to listen to foreigners like me mangle their native language. And while I feel like a big, dumb, uneducated baby for barely knowing English everyone else, the Germans, Swedes, Italians, Nigerians, Japanese and all the other visitors use English as their common language, they just seem so much cooler doing it. Anyway the Dutch language is pretty easy to figure out for example:

Dank U = Thank You
Excuseert u mij = Excuse Me
Busstation = Bus Station
Herentoilet = Men’s Room
Damestoilet = you guessed it: Ladies Room

So if it has some extra vowels and resembles something phonetically, in my experience it probably is that thing.

The people were very gracious and a mix of conservative and liberal - a good mix for the most part. That attitude was kind of “you can do what you'd like as long as it doesn't infringe on others” type thing including but not limited to pursuing a flamboyant gay lifestyle, prostitution, soft drug use and crossing the street at an intersection. A concept given a lot of lip service in San Francisco as well but in this case Dutch citizens acknowledge that other people actually do exist on earth too and take that into consideration, as a result they rarely run each other over with SUVs while talking on cell phones or walk right into each other in grocery stores even when the aisles are 6ft wide or take craps in other people's entryways.

We both had a good time meaning lots of 4-7p.m. naps and occasionally wandering out for food or sight seeing, well and Mr. P had to do that conference deal. People were nice, the city and countryside were beautiful and crime free, the food – well it was all right I guess. It seemed a very livable place but I don’t know that it'll be my next vacation destination.